i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
