She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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