I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
