two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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