my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
