I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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