She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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