he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
