my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize