I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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