My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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