I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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