my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
