Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
