just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize