apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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