I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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