I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
