I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
