fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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