I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
