my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
