So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
