Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
