I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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