my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
