I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
