dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
