On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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