Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
