Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Houston, we have a blender
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I got inside last night via doggy door
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
