God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
