wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
