You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
