just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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