He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
