Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
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