Don't make out with my wife yet
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
