I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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