Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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