he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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