Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
