cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
