Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
