A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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