I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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