I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
