god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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