i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
