Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
