So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize