Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
