I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
