my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
