Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
