I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
