dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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