I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
