I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
