Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
