wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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