I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
